Bernie's Burger Bus

Picture shamelessly stolen from http://berniesburgerbus.com
since my picture of the bus didn't turn out.

Bernie's Burger Bus. It's a bus. It's not a restaurant. It isn't the first time I've eaten at a food truck. It's not even the first time I've eaten a burger out of a food truck. What it is, however, is the first burger that we are going to review out of a truck. Also, Bernie is the owner's uncle. On Sunday, it was parked at the Boneyard Drinkery on Washington and it seemed like a good time to go slag some pints of Breckenridge Agave Wheat and eat a ridiculous sandwich.

Bernie's takes a gourmet route to putting food in your hands. Everything is made from scratch. From the buns, to the patties to the ketchup, which he sells in bottles right out of the bus. The history of the how the owner went from being a personal chef to Shane Battier (former Houston Rocket) to owning a food truck is somewhat interesting. I'm not going to cover it here, but this Houston Press article from awhile back will tell the story just as well as I could, you know - since it's written by a real writer.

Less talk about the truck. More talk about burgers. We ordered a pair of Substitutes, all the burgers follow a school-related naming convention, and a order of sweet potato fries that come with a homemade chipotle pepper spiced aioli. Quick education for those that don't know: aioli is very close to mayonnaise but it's made from a base of olive oil, garlic and eggs with several variations. As for the burgers, from what I've read the patties are a unique blend of ground chuck and ground brisket that results in a ludicrous level fat content (read: flavor) that is ground up every morning completely fresh. The Substitute is topped with bleu cheese, bacon, mushrooms kissed with burgundy wine and what he calls "tipsy" caramelized onions which I am assuming are cooked in some kind of beer/wine/liquor... I don't have the answer. I just ate 'em. They don't sell drinks, but they are just about always parked at a place that does.

I want you to notice something. The butcher paper in the picture. The time it took from the burger being put in my hands in a brown paper bag, wrapped in white butcher paper to the time I unwrapped it was about 3 minutes. In that short time the slab of meat sent out an army of grease that was able to lay down a violent charge on the butcher paper that broke through the lines and was seeping through the brown bag. It was more like a proper Philadelphia Cheesesteak than a burger. If you eat the whole thing you'll be sweating grease for a few days. How did it taste? I never thought this was going to happen, as I love The Shack more than I love just about anything I love in this world, but Bernie's Burger Bus might not have only served me the best burger I've ever eaten, this thing is in competition for the best ANYTHING I've ever eaten. The bleu cheese was super rich and thrown in very generously, the bacon was thick, plentiful and cooked perfectly, the mushrooms had a perfect twang and it all came together in that homemade bun like poetry. It was so good my taste buds rented an SUV with a stolen credit card, packed an overnight bag and drove off chasing those last few bites down my throat.

The fries? Crispy, delicious, fantastic. They aren't going to blow your mind like the burger will. One order of them was perfect for sharing, especially since the burgers are very generously sized. The homemade dipping sauces are definitely a big step up from anything that could have been picked up from the local restaurant supply. The chipotle aioli has a nice little pepper flavor but really isn't very hot. The homemade ketchup is exquisite. It's not salty at all like most ketchup. It's sweet and FULL of tomato flavor. I don't like using the word natural very often, but that's the word that kicked into mind. It tasted like a wonderful natural blend of tomatoes with just the right spices. Excellent stuff.

I spent the rest of my Sunday afternoon and evening in a full blown food coma. Show up hungry. Bernie's does take Visa and Mastercard at their bus, and if you are trying to find them they post their schedule up on Twitter and Facebook. They aren't going on the burger map because they aren't in any kind of permanent location. Happy eating!!

Cypress Station Grill

We were arguing. What should we do for dinner? We both wanted to go to The Shack, but we basically go there weekly and there was a general feeling it was about time we tried something different. So we might have taken a little sabbatical, and we may go right back on it as soon as this review is up, but the time has come for another burger to join the ranks. This time we visited Cypress Station Grill. It's a family style restaurant that is, as you might have guessed, in Cypress. At 26010 Hempstead Road to be precise. Let's get started.

The restaurant carries your most basic American food menu. Burgers, steaks (chicken fried optional), chicken breasts covered in about 6 different sauce options and then they throw a few pastas into the mix. Nothing too special.

While we don't have a whole lot to absolutely gush about, the first thing that went absolutely, 100% right was that we walked in the place, were sat down and were immediately offered $1.50 Shiner Bock or Miller Lite drafts. Sadly, that makes up their entire draft beer selection, but when the Shiner is that cheap, you're still starting out right. They also serve it so cold that it starts to ice up at the table. Fantastic! That price isn't available all of the time, but it is their happy hour special on EVERY SINGLE WEEKDAY!! The only other place that I know of in Cypress where you can get a decent beer like that for that price is Ziegenbock at one of my favorite local bars -- and they don't have food.

The burger menu is made up of all of the standards. Then you can tell that with the ingredients they had lying around the kitchen they also threw together a few that were a little different. This included the one that I ordered, the Pesto Burger, which borrowed a sauce from their pastas. The other burger that we decided to have rolled out of the kitchen? You can't go wrong with barbecue sauce and onion rings. Available side dishes? French fries or sweet potato fries for $.99 extra. They have a range of other side dishes available on their menu, I'm willing to bet that you can substitute mashed potatos, fried okra, etc but we have principles. Burgers are meant to be served by themselves or with fried potato products.

We tasted two of their appetizers while we were here. The fried pickles and the fried mushrooms. Both were nothing short of great. The mushrooms are big. Like cut it up with a knife into 4 big bites big. They aren't in your usual batter either, instead they are breaded and then covered in Parmesan cheese and served up with ranch so you can get those mushrooms SCUBA-certified. The pickles aren't the best we've ever had but they're definitely up there. It's a standard batter but they cut them up real thick. Most restaurants put pickle chips in that are so thin that there is barely a pickle left when they come out of the fryer and you're basically eating discs of batter. Not at Cypress Station. Fat, meaty, delicious fried pickles!!

But then there's the burgers. I'm not spending a lot of time in this review writing about them because there isn't that much to write about. Despite having some very tasty sounding options on the menu, they were really nothing special. We don't want to sound too critical, because they are definitely not bad in any way, but there just isn't anything special or unique happening here either. The bun tasted no better than what you get from H-E-B's store brand, the meat was cooked right and had some juice going but it really didn't have any great spice or flavor to it and then all that was left to do was add toppings. I ate it. I'd eat it again. I'd dream of being at Whataburger instead. I'd probably ask that they at least toast the bun a little though with some oil. Anything to inject a little character into this thing. Actually, next time I go, I'll be ordering a chicken fried steak and a $1.50 Shiner.

Back to the fried potato "products" - that's exactly what the fries at Cypress Station are. Even the sweet potato fries, which cost extra, seem like they are just dumped out of a bag they had in the freezer. They could have easily come from Costco. Compliments? They do fry the hell out of them, so they are nice and crispy. Other than that? Not so great. HOWEVER -- the absolute highlight of the entire dining experience involved the sweet potato fries. As lame as they are by themselves, Cypress Station Grill gives you a cup of honey for dipping them in. This is a gamechanger. We'd never even thought about it before, but the second that we realized we had cups of honey and sweet potato fries we knew what was happening. Holy sh*t. You don't even need to bother with the dessert menu. You want sweet potato fries slathered in honey. You want them more than any other food they serve at the restaurant. You want them right now. I'll never be able to eat sweet potato fries again and not be pining for a squeeze bottle of honey. Bravo, Cypress Station, bravo!!


So, this place definitely doesn't make our top three. I can't shake the feeling that I was in a Chili's or a Black Eyed Pea with just a little more class, and we both agree that it doesn't hold up to some of the other amazing burgers that you can find around town, but it's a nice little spot that's worth checking out if you want to try something different, just don't expect the world.

The Shack, formerly The Love Shack

Today's review? The Love Shack. The Love Shack is the brainchild of the man that used to own Rockwell Tavern. If you've been to the site before, you might know that Rockwell Tavern is our current #1 burger in the entire city and that it is so good that it almost killed this site entirely because it quickly became just about the only place that we would go eat. That is, until it was sold so that Joe, the owner/head chef, could go try something new. It was opened to the public yesterday, and we were giddy with anticipation of seeing what madness might come out of the kitchen this time around. This might even be the first review that The Love Shack receives!!

The Shack is situated deep in the heart of Cypress at 16602 Cypress-Rosehill Rd. You will know that you're getting close when signs of civilization start to disappear. Seriously. It was night time and we could hear the coyotes in the fields as we ate. The parking lot? Dirt. The restaurant? It's an old house converted into a kitchen and dining area with a massive patio and a few other buildings that have been converted to more indoor dining space. We spoke with the owner and we learned that they have over 6 acres of space to play with and they have all sorts of ideas for what they want to do with it.

With a name like The Love Shack, I originally feared showing up to a place that had disco blaring, and possibly even suffering through the B-52's every hour, on the hour. Those fears were quickly alleviated though when it turned out that The Shack is instead very serene. It is tucked into it's own little pocket of nowhere and it featured all sorts of interesting decorations to accent it's mostly outdoor dining space. This includes a MASSIVE fire pit on the patio, a large tent that could be used for live bands, a playground area that is under construction, a gazebo made out of trees and several other creative little ideas.

But we are here for one thing. The burgers. Hopefully the second coming. We wanted to see if our current king of burgers in Houston was ready to take back the throne. The menu features all kinds of burgers that you simply can't get in most places. This includes the Grease & Weasel, a burger with a donut for a bun, the Bad Decision, which is a burger with grilled cheese sandwiches for buns, and something completely different, the Billy Bob Nguyen, which is a Asian-spiced brisket sandwich with Cheetos. Seriously.

I went with a Grease & Weasel, having heard stories of the incredible Krispy Kreme burgers served up at the Gateway Grizzlies Ballpark in Illinois. Nick immediately made a Bad Decision. We ordered up huge portions of the onion rings, as well as two batches of fries: one covered in garlic and bacon and one covered in brisket, bacon and cheese.

The fries and rings came first, and they came big. On pizza platters. We were knocked almost completely out of our seats by how good the fries were that were covered in brisket, bacon and cheese. Hunger pains were replaced by chest pains and the burgers weren't even out yet. They were devoured in mere minutes and we all had to resist the urge to tell the kitchen to bring us about twelve more batches of the brisket smothered fries, nor would they buy it when we tried to tell them that the coyotes stole our appetizers either. The brisket at The Love Shack is out of this world, and paired with bacon and cheese you get what is hands down the best smothered fries we have possibly ever had.

Then the burgers came out of the kitchen. Were they as good as Rockwell ever was? Were they better? They were unimaginably delicious. The burger was so good that they should warn you that you might die if your lungs get jealous of what's going down your esophagus and decide to pull a bite or two in their direction. We had four people in our party and the first words out of every single one of our mouths after taking a bite were an instinctive "Oh my God!" that was garbled by mouths full of food. The owner absolutely outdid himself. The burgers were everything that he had at his old restaurant elevated to new heights by serving up more over the top combinations of meat, bread and cheese.

Were they greasy? Yep. Joe still puts together one of the richest, greasiest patties that can legally be served in the lower forty-eight. Even cooked to medium-well, I looked down when I was done and there was a pool of grease and sugar from the donut waiting for me on my platter. Grease candy!! The buns are nice and thick and manage to hold most of it back, but you can tell that it's World War 3 going on inside as the bun fights to contain everything trying to ooze out of it.

What's even more impressive about The Love Shack is that after all of us were completely blown away by what we ate, we still had to remind ourselves that the restaurant is still just now getting up to speed. When we were there last night the menu was limited and they weren't even taking credit cards yet. Might we see a few of the Rockwell recipes make it over eventually? Maybe. I certainly would like to see the pineapple, teriyaki, bacon burger again that I fell in love with back at the old digs. Might there be some even more outrageous sandwiches on the horizon? Good chance. I also hope I get to see what Joe can do with a chicken fried steak someday. The man knows beef. What else is coming? Their liquor license is apparently in the works and I've heard rumors that they are going to set up a full on outdoor biergarten.

So is this place the new #1? Yep. Without a doubt. We're going to take Rockwell out of the top three and slide the Love Shack right in to replace it. Why are we apologetically dropping Rockwell so hard? Simply because we don't want one man's creations taking up two slots on our Top 3. The Love Shack is our new best burger in Houston. The king has returned. Long live the king!!!

EDIT -- 10/14/2011: The restaurant had to change its name to The Shack. I'm not changing the review, but I'm changing the title. The Shack and The Love Shack? Same place. Same food. Same people. Don't worry, ownership didn't change or anything and it didn't go down the drain like Rockwell Tavern did. Have we mentioned that Rockwell Tavern went down the drain lately? It did. Stay away and go to The Shack. It's where good burgers live in Cypress.

Kilburn's Tavern and Grille

Kilburn's Tavern and Grille was nowhere near our list of places that we were planning on reviewing anytime soon. Why? We don't do a whole lot of bar burgers. In fact, the only place that I can think of off the top of my head that was more bar than restaurant is Christian's Tailgate. Plus they spelled Grill wrong. Why did we go? Last minute hunger pains and a last minute recommendation by a friend. We piled into the nearest Toyota Tacoma and burned rubber out into the boonies to Kilburn's #2, which is at Grant Rd and Malcolmson.

Having never been, and walking into a bar in a strip center, we didn't really expect the place to be the classy, slightly upscale British pub atmosphere that was presented. The place was warm, welcoming and stocked to the brim with an almost barbaric selection of hooch. There are plenty of tables if you want to go there to just eat or you can belly up to the bar and go right to work. As a note, the restaurant is family friendly all day with the only exceptions being after 9pm on Friday and Saturday and any time that I'm in there. Bring yo' kids!!

Burgers? Yes, please. What is in a standard burger at Kilburn's? The menu describes a half pound beast that has been spoiled since birth that's been hunted down on a farm, killed, carefully inspected by the USDA and ground into Kobe beef. The beef is hand formed into patties with a blend of smoked sausage and "Kilburn's Special Seasoning" that's all put through a shotgun wedding by a sourdough bun. I opted for the blue cheese burger and Nick threw down on a Texas BBQ bacon cheeseburger. If there are any questions about that, this meant that mine would have blue cheese and onions while the BBQ burger had bacon, a tangy barbecue sauce and two very large onion rings.

In strict adherence to the rules, we had beers from the state of Texas with our meal. Kilburn's immediately found it's way to my heart by having Saint Arnold's Christmas Ale on draft. You can never go wrong with having the best Winter warmer in existence fresh out of a keg, and they even got bonus points for having oversized pilsner glasses ready to go.

The burgers themselves were incredible. It begins and ends with the patty. If you were to put their seasoning in a can of Purina One dog food, I'd probably consider still eating it. Their special seasoning is a peppery blend that is far from hot but not short at all on flavor. I thought I had tasted mild, pickled jalapenos but I was quickly corrected by the owner, who as it turns out was sitting two bar stools down from us the entire time we had been there. What is it? Chipotle peppers... among other secret flavors.


The seasoning was the main attraction, but that's not the only part of this burger that deserves any praise. The lightly toasted bun was flavorful and did a fantastic job of holding together where most buns that go up against a sandwich like this go down like Kimbo Slice, leaving you with a choice of forks or fingers. The french fries were all sorts of incredible. Wedge-cut, seasoned perfectly, crispy on the outside and nice and soft on the inside. It was a near perfect example of a wedge fry.

It's hard to find anything to complain about. The price is a little higher than most places, but that certainly doesn't keep the burgers from flying out of the kitchen all night. It's also a great place to have a few drinks, which made this by far the most expensive burger review I've ever done, and also the first one that's ever resulted in needing a few ibuprofen's the next morning. Yes, I used a designated driver. You stay safe out there.

In closing, Kilburn's is awesome. Did we decide it hits the top three that we've ever had? Nope. Does that mean it isn't a fantastic creation? Absolutely not. You should shut down your computer and go grab yourself a chop house burger and slam a few beers as soon as you get your next craving. Our bartender for the night, who must be under witness protection with a name like "Princess", summed it up best:

Bellaire Broiler

Welcome back to the stage of history. So what happens if you spend a Saturday morning working on Bellaire and you have a place on your "To Review" list called the Bellaire Broiler?

We've heard the legends all the way out here in our home base in Cypress. A little dive of a burger restaurant that serves up one of the most acclaimed burgers in the city. Dive status? Confirmed. This place is like an old, double-sized Waffle House. Old brick on the walls, all the art is starting to turn yellow from age and the wood on the chairs has only about 60% of the finish left on it. Perfect.

Hunger pains ran deep, and the menu featured two items that peaked our attention. One was the house special. A double cheeseburger that features two quarter pound patties with lettuce, tomato, onions, pickles cheese and bacon. I had to have it. I also needed pickled jalapenos and mushrooms. What else caught our attention? A burger called "The Combination" It was a quarter pound cheesebuger that also had chili, cheese, onions, mustard, bacon and two hot dogs. See the picture and beg for mercy.

Just look at it. The picture of it tells you everything you need to know. This was a case of a picture being worth every word that you could say about it. It tasted as glorious as it looked. It was the best chili burger that we have tried so far on this Houstonian burger tour. We aren't going to review this burger in depth though because it's only fair that Bellaire Broiler be judged based on their standard cheeseburger.

The standard cheesebuger comes out of the kitchen wrapped up tightly in unassuming white butcher paper. No time for foreplay. Tear that paper off and let's get to what's underneath.

It was an incredible sight. If that isn't a showstopping image of a cheeseburger, then I simply don't know what is. It was a burger that you had to squeeze to fit into your mouth. Then you squeezed it. Then there was grease. You don't really realize just how greasy this burger is at first. The burger is so large and so loaded with toppings that you almost instinctively keep the burger wrapped in the butcher paper as you operate. That is, until the grease overpowers the butcher paper and you are forced to toss it off to the side. Then you keep eating. Then the bun gives up on life and you are forced to set it aside. Then you have the choice of shoveling it into your mouth or tracking down some silverware. Me? I barehanded it. It was sublime.

So what about the taste? Do you like a greaseburger? If so, this is DEFINITELY your port of harbor. Of all of the burger joints that we have been to so far, this is by far and away the greasiest burger that we have had. Every pain that you walk in the door with in your empty stomach will quickly find it's way into your chest by the time you are done eating it. The toppings are very plentiful, and they even pickle some of their own vegetables in house if you are feeling just a little different and are willing to pay a little extra.

Side dishes? Crinkle fries. We aren't the biggest fan of crinkle fries on this web site, but on the plus side, they fry these potatoes until they beg for mercy. Crinkle fries almost always look soggy, but even the biggest, fattest fries here were crisp enough that my HMO called and said they canceled my dental coverage. Apply ketchup and you'll enjoy some pretty decent french fries.

So how does Bellaire Broiler rank? On our web site we only put up a top three. After that, we tell you whether or not we like it and we let everyone judge for themselves. We agreed at lunch today that IF there were a spot for a #4, this would be it until something came along that was better. We agree that this place is just barely squeaked out by the Backyard Grill, which is our current number 3. Should you check it out and judge for yourself? Absolutely. Bellaire Broiler is a jewel of a burger joint. This is definitely one of the elite burger stops in Houston and you should sail into the parking lot any time you are nearby and have the chance to stop.

Christian's Tailgate

Christian's Tailgate, much like Lankford Grocery, is heralded as one of the finest burgers that Houston has to offer. Most people that I have talked to that recommend the place either claim it's one of the best they've ever had or that it's a staple that we simply have to make sure we don't ignore. It's about time the reviews came back, and Christian's seemed as good a place as any to go throw down on some cow.


There are two Christian's locations in Houston. One is on Bagby and the other is at I-10 and Washington. Being from the 'burbs, and being told that the one on Washington is better, we set sail. When you get there, you quickly put together that Christian's is the definition of a burger bar. You walk in and it offers a lot of restaurant style seating, but the place is more bar than restaurant. You order your burgers at the bar, along with your pitcher of beer, and then you find your seat and wait for your number to be called. The decor includes lots of small screen TV's around the place, beer signs and a really cool old truck that's been hacked up and thrown on the wall. Get there early, as parking seems like it could get hairy during busier hours.

Their menu stretches 3 sizes of burger: 1/3 lb, 1/2 lb and a belt-busting 1 lb double burger. They offer them in your standard dress of lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion, mustard and mayo as well as a chili burger or a mushroom-swiss combination. If you're looking for something a little different, and a little more heart stopping, they also offer up a Chicken Fried Bacon Burger. The burger is your standard burger that is loaded with battered and fried bacon and onion rings. Nick wasn't about to let a little heart disease stand in his way and threw down for one of these beastly creations while I opted for a more subtle mushroom swiss burger. Both of us ordered a side of fries and with it being $5 pitcher Wendesday we enjoyed a pitcher of Texas's own Lone Star and then another of Shiner Bock with our meal.

The burgers that came out looked fantastic. Great big patties adorned with generous toppings and packed between thick buns that are then half-wrapped in butcher paper to keep them from falling apart. Good call on the paper. I've always been a fan of anything that makes finger food easier to handle.

That first bite? It lacked a little something. Grease. Considering the huge griddle that we saw in the kitchen we were expecting these things to run down our arms, but they were really clean. The meat tasted great. It didn't seemed to be seasoned at all, maybe with just a little salt and pepper, but it left behind a clean, distinct flavor that actually left room for all of the toppings to actually be able to do some work. I'd tread lightly with using the word bland, because the overall flavor was far from it, but I wouldn't ever want to knife and fork the patty by itself. This is where the toppings came into play. The mustard works its way into the lettuce and tomatoes, the pickles were thick and vinegary and in each bite you really got to appreciate why people actually bother putting veggies on their sandwiches. Most of the time a big, fat, nasty greaseburger will simply overwhelm the palate and all you taste is delicious, juicy fat. This was the opposite. An explosion of different and very distinct flavors await the person who eats at Christian's.

As a person who has had homemade chicken fried bacon on a few occasions in my life, the prospect of a burger with chicken fried bacon actually on it sounded both terrible and awesome. I remember the first time I ever had it I ate 3 pieces of it drizzled in bacon grazy and was only capable of stumbling around the house for a few hours as I fought off The Itis. The chicken fried bacon here did leave a little to be desired. Yes, it's delicious. It's bacon that is battered and fried. But, much like the mostly pure burger, there couldn't have been anything in the batter except flour, milk and egg. This produced a product that tasted more like oil than any kind of fancy deep fried concoction that you might hope for. It was also definitely cooked a lot less than we were used to compared to every other time we've had the CFB. How about the burger? Put it all together and it once again leaps to something wonderful, but it just seems like there is so much room for improvement.

The burgers were cooked well, not well done, but well. They were far from dry, in fact, for how cooked the meat was I was suprised at just how juicy the burger was. The bun was definitely prefabbed, but seemed to be very lightly toasted on the griddle and did a fine job of not leaving anything to be desired. Recommendations? Double up on your toppings. Next time I eat here it will probably be the same burger, but with double cheese and double mushrooms.

The fries? Absolutely terrible. Wendy's on a bad day levels of terrible. I was salvaging mine with salt, pepper and ketchup mixed with Jalapeno Tabasco sauce. This was able to pull them back from the cliff, but still, Christian's Tailgate is definitely not the place to go if you are a fry fanatic. They also offer onion rings, but neither of us ordered them. A visual inspection of someone else's basket of rings did leave me with some hope that there is a side dish in there worth ordering.

How would we rank this burger? It was really good. In fact, if you live near it, it should probably be your de facto burger place. It's a great place to eat if you are working in the area, looking for a place to stop and wait out traffic or just want to eat somewhere a little different. You don't really need much of an excuse. Unfortunately, our final judgement does leave it out of the top three. It simply doesn't stand up to the best we've had so far. Our comparisons would be that it was like a really good burger from Clay's or maybe a burger from Miller's with all the grease left out. All we can say is that if you go to Christian's you'll be treated to a damn good burger. Just not the best. Check them out and let us know what you think!!

Rockwell Tavern and Grill

UPDATE (11/15/2011):  We said some rough things about Rockwell Tavern in some posts and tweets since their original review. Statements that we stand by and statements that we aren't going to remove. Since ownership changed we had a total of four meals at Rockwell that were average or worse. I had a chicken sandwich at one time that was so hard you could literally brain a person with it. The burgers? They'd fallen off. Hard. BUT GOOD NEWS: Rockwell did a Houston Beer Week event and I was lured back in with the promise of bottom-feeding some leftover of Rahr & Sons Casked Winter Warmer the next day, and in the course of drinking some beers, I was convinced to give the burgers another go.

Without going into too many details, I am pleased to say that Rockwell once again makes a fantastic burger that lives up to its legacy and I highly recommend stopping in. Their beer selection has gotten really nice too, although shockingly, they appear to have gone the route of forsaking any light beers whatsoever. Even I enjoy a Keystone Light or a Miller Lite ever so often, and I think every place that serves beer should have something at a value price, but I digress, go chow down.

ORIGINAL REVIEW FOLLOWS:
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It's been awhile. It's time to get back on the burger wagon.

I must apologize in advance. This review has zero pictures. The place wasn't well lit enough for cell phone cameras and the regular camera had a dead battery. This is a shame, because this is one of the first times I can remember where the burgers that were brought out of the kitchen looked just as good as the burgers on the menu. Fortunately, we will definitely be back, and we hope to get some pictures of these burgers out to you soon. UPDATE 5/12/2010: Got a new camera, took that sucker to Rockwell, ate a fat cheeseburger, and collected some pics. ENJOY!!

So, we decided to go to the Rockwell Tavern. The original reason we went was simply because it was right next to PO's Burgers. Both of them have signs out front claiming that they had the world's best burger, and it sounded like we needed to go in there and settle it for ourselves, and for the rest of the world. Then, when we decided to fire it back up yesterday we found this glowing review from Houston Press and were suddenly watering at the mouth to get out to Rockwell.

Rockwell Tavern is located in Cypress, within a few miles of Highway 290 and Telge. It's in a very unassuming location smack dab in the middle of a small strip center. Inside are about fifteen or twenty tables, a bar, and a little standing room only area between the two. Tonight when we went in we quickly noticed that the combination of a Tuesday night and Houstonians acting like it doesn't get cold this time of year had the place completely empty. We took our seats and had the full attention of the entire restaurant staff, who were very friendly, for a large portion of our visit.

The restaurant itself is a dive. Not a big deal. It is clean, but the furnishings are old and the decor is definitely "average bar". The exception? The restrooms are decked out in old car parts. The best little touch? The stall in the men's restroom has badging for Dodge's 5.7 liter Hemi engine. It has a strong "you knew what this was when you came in here" kind of vibe.

On their menu they have a ton of custom burgers. Several that break the usual trend. They have burgers with a fried egg, burgers with teriyaki and pineapple, italian style burgers with marinara sauce and even a burger called the "El Diablo" that is so hot that you have to sign a waiver to eat it, but the reward is a free t-shirt. (Next time, honey.)

Our party of three sat down and ordered up an Iron Man burger, a Swiss Goddess and a Samurai burger. The Iron Man was the definitive spicy chili burger. It had a GLOB of habanero-spiced chili, jalapenos and cheese. The Swiss Goddess was a mushroom swiss burger that was advertised as a "pile of mushrooms and cheese" that was very true to its word, and the Samurai burger had Bacon, Pineapples thrown in with a sweet teriyaki sauce. All of them came armed with a 1/2 pound, hand formed patty and was served on a custom sweet sourdough roll.

No time to wait, time to eat. That first bite was a showstopper. The guys at Rockwell don't play generic cheeseburger. Every single flavor that they tell you is on the menu shows up with it's A-game. The flavors are all incredibly rich, which allows you to taste every single ingredient almost seperately. Different parts of your tongue are firing different sparks directly into your brain, all screaming for more. By the time I got to the center, where all the ingredients are concentrated the most, we had all agreed that we had just taken on the best burger we've ever eaten. Not just in Houston, not just on this burger quest, it's the best burger any of us have ever had. Period. And another period for good measure.

Eating it was interesting. The chili burger had entire ladle-fulls of chili with a little habanero kick, so it had to be eaten mostly with a fork. The bun stood no chance of holding back firepower of that magnitude. I almost had the same situation with my burger. By the time I was done with the Samurai burger I had delicious pieces of teriyaki pineapple and bacon ready for my fork and the bun spent the entire time on life support due to the pineapple juice. The mushroom swiss burger left a trail of delicious sauteed mushrooms behind it simply because the bun could not contain them all.

Side dishes? Good news, it gets even better. They have, hands down, some of the best onion rings I have ever had. They are fried up crispier than any onion ring I have ever had, and still aren't burned at all, and the onion doesn't shrivel up and disappear either. The french fries are well above average, nothing too special, but still damn good, and then to top it all off they also have some rocking sweet potato fries.

Stop reading this site and go to Rockwell Tavern and Grill. The quest for the best burger in Houston continues, but we don't know how these burgers could possibly be topped!!! We have adjusted the top 3 on the sidebar. You are now looking at the Rockwell Tavern as the best followed up by Miller's Cafe and then The Backyard Grill.